I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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