i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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