"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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