Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i think i have herpe
just one?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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