I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
