Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
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you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
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I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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