a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
