I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
