i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
