What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
