I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
