why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
