I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
