i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
