My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
