My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
