He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
