babies were throwing up all over the place
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
