Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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