i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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