god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize