Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
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