I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
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the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
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He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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