How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
