I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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