I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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