no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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