They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
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The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
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i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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