omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
