Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
