Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
