I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My vagina just recognized that song.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
