So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
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Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
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Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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