I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
