got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize
