I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
