Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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