apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
