I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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