She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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