No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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