well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
