Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
