this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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