He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
