Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he had hair everywhere except his balls