I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.