a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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