Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
im six kinds of drunk right now
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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