He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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