I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
