I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
