Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
