We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
