Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
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