Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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