Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
