I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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