I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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